


The FBI and the Winchesters

by missingthe907



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Honestly I've lost track with this fandom at this point, I guess this could be considered AU, or maybe just crack, so don't think about it too hard, the timeline no longer makes sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23355373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missingthe907/pseuds/missingthe907
Summary: The FBI knows that the famous Winchester brothers, formerly the FBI’s most wanted, probably aren’t as dead as their records claim. Sam and Dean have a habit of running around the country impersonating agents. At this point, the bureau just doesn’t particularly care.(It’s basically just a crackfic one-shot plot bunny. Rewritten and reposted from an old fic I wrote back in the day. The timeline on this is pretty vague, originally written around season 11.)
Kudos: 22





	The FBI and the Winchesters

**Author's Note:**

> Since I have the time these days, I thought I’d take a look at my old fics hiding on fanfcition.net and see if I should delete them or if any were worth editing and posting on AO3. This is the result.

The tips hotline received a variety of strange nonsense calls every day. Some were very real and important, but impossible to sort through and figure out what the person had been trying to say. Some turned out to be completely false, but the bureau had to waste time sending someone to follow up on anyways. And of course, there was regular, run of the mill crazy, insisting they investigate the latest aliens or werewolves or whatever other conspiracies it was this week.

Federal Agent Jess Aleman had transferred to D.C. only a week ago and knew there would probably be some bumps along the way. While she hoped her new coworkers were more professional than to resort to hazing, she wasn’t going to rule it out either. But she hoped this was, in fact, some sort of joke.

This morning, her supervisor handed Agent Aleman a phone transcript to read over, review, and then follow up to see if the FBI would need to investigate further. She figured giving the new guy a Winchester brothers tip was meant to be a simple call, not something more substantial for someone with more experience. The sighting came from Michigan. Their caller remembered the faces on the news from back in the day, and he never forgot a face. This tip would be easy to prove false, probably just an innocent case of mistaken identity. 

After Jess made a few calls, she was starting to think someone was pulling her leg. She dove in deeper, and rather than throwing the transcript to her done pile, she found herself drowning in a new pile that only got more confusing.

The entire affair was so bizarre she wasn’t sure where to start. Sam and Dean Winchester were once at the top of the FBI’s most-wanted list. The brothers were known to be a pair of dangerous and psychopathic serial killers, who managed to avoid law enforcement for years before their deaths. Even when they were young and still mostly unknown, they’d evaded an entire SWAT team and snuck out of a hostage situation like it was nothing. It wouldn’t be too out there to guess that they’d faked their deaths and avoided capture once again, but there were bodies, verified in multiple ways. Aleman remembered reading about the case from start to end. And at the end of it, the FBI had two bodies that were absolutely, definitely, Sam and Dean.

Beyond that, why would the Winchester brothers be impersonating FBI agents? They would have to be insane. Would it be some sort of taunt? What purpose did it serve? Would they find it amusing that they had bested the bureau once again? Was it some sort of power play? 

If this was all true, they weren’t just claiming to be agents in daily life, but conducting an investigation. Jess checked in with local law enforcement on one of her first phone calls. The sheriff confirmed he’d worked with two agents this week, but the bureau had no record of this. Jess opened up a video she’d just received from the sheriff. She reviewed the security footage from his office for herself. 

She straightened her spine, a reflex that pulled her to attention. It couldn’t really be them. Could it?

Agent Aleman glanced at the time on her computer desktop. She’d already poured more time into this than she’d expected, more time than an initial tip check should take. She should probably check in with someone before she went any further.

Jess stepped out of her small office, holding a legal pad with some of her notes. She left the door open behind her and headed to Agent Shannon Noonan’s office, right next door. Agent Noonan had been welcoming this week, helping Jess find paper clips when she looked confused, having lunch with her one day, and, very importantly, revealing where the hidden stash of emergency stress chocolate could be found. Shannon wasn’t in her office, but she had left a sticky note on the desk.

_Working in Conference Room B if you need me. - Noonan_

Conference Room B at the end of the hall was small, about twice the size of one office. The door stood open, so Jess figured she probably wasn’t interrupting. Agent Noonan sat in one seat, the other five chairs empty, with manilla folders spread across the glass table. Agent Andy Tiller stood in front of a whiteboard on the opposite wall, expo marker in one hand and coffee cup in the other. Shannon Noonan perked up when she noticed Jess, leaning towards her with a smile.

“Agent Aleman!” She said. “Come in, come in! Just the person I need. I could use your opinion.”

“Of course,” said Jess. “I mean, I’ll do my best, whatever it is. Just Jess is fine though, ma’am.”

Shannon nodded. “Sure, sure, but none of this ma’am nonsense then. I’ll jump right to it. If you had to choose, would you rather be killed by a snake, or killed by a penguin?”

This wasn’t the type of question Jess had been expecting. “I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s a simple would you rather,” Shannon continued. “Snake, or penguin? See I’m scared of snakes, so I think I’d pick penguin. But maybe death by a snake would be faster? Though I mean, penguins are adorable, but one killing me would still be, well, not great. What do you think? I’m stuck.”

“Uh, ma’am, I mean, Shannon, I mean…” Jess glanced at Agent Tiller, who sipped his coffee with a small slurp. “I guess you’d be dying either way, but less traumatic if it was something you didn’t already fear? So, I guess I’d go with the penguin.”

Shannon smacked her hand lightly on the table. “Good enough for me. Andy! Cross off snake. Penguin is going to the next round!”

Agent Tiller turned around, using the marker in hand to make said changes to the whiteboard. As he did so, Jess saw the whiteboard wasn’t covered in case notes, but an elaborate bracket. It seemed they were in the middle of an elaborate game of deadly “would you rather.”

“So…” Jess started again, “am I interrupting anything?”

“We reached a wall,” Andy explained. “We’re stuck. More accurately, we ran into a wall about two hours ago, felt like we were going mad, and had to think about literally anything else. This works.”

“Alright.” She was new to this office, Jess figured it wasn’t her place to judge. “Do you mind taking a look at a tip I’m working with? It’s driving _me_ into a wall. I mean, important stuff, if it’s real. Which, it might be? High priority serial killers, we’re talking most wanted level stuff, but they’re supposed to be dead. You… you haven’t heard anything about the Winchesters recently, have you?”

“Oh, all the time,” said Andy, taking another casual sip of coffee. “Where did they pop up this time.”

“I’m sorry, what?!” This was news to Agent Aleman. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t shaken and surprised, instead of comforted, by the nonchalant tone. “Uh, Michigan. They were seen in Michigan. Sir, they’re serial killers. Right? If there’s a tip on these two, uh, don’t you think we should, well, do something about it?”

Agent Tiller shrugged. “Nah.”

Shannon rolled her eyes as she turned her body towards Jess. “What my partner means to say,” she said, “is that the Winchesters are a bit of a mystery to the department. But it’s not exactly news. And after this many years of weird, we’ve learned to keep our distance.”

“They’re always getting mixed up in all the weird, x-files, crazy shit,” said Tiller. “The strange cases, you know? Hearts ripped out, people burned alive, blood drained from victims. That sort of thing.”

“We’ve followed enough to be sure that they follow the crazy, they don’t just cause it all,” said Shannon. “And honestly, they have a lot better luck than any of our own agents have in handling and resolving those cases. I mean, I wouldn’t say arrests, but before they show up, bad things are happening, and after it’s better. I don’t know how.”

“It’s… not our most shining moment,” admitted Andy. “We don’t really go spreading that around.”

“Right,” said Shannon. “Hell, I’m sure we don’t hear about some of the “investigations” they get into. But every once in a while, they pop back up. What were they investigating this time anyway?”

Aleman looked back at her notes. “Missing person cases.” She went into explaining what she’d found so far, taking the opportunity to present what she’d found and let what she’d learned sink in. When she was done, Agent Noonan spoke up again.

“Any word if they were successful?”

“There… were people found. They were all in comas.”

“Are they still?” Asked Andy.

“Actually,” said Jess, “They’ve said to have made a miraculous recovery. At the same time. It was apparently unsettling to see. Spooky, even.” 

“Well!” Shannon stood and pushed in her chair. “It’s not so exciting as capturing a murderer, but a win’s a win. We’ll take it. Good work agents. It sounds like the FBI has been doing an excellent job. I say we take the chance to celebrate and head out of here early.”

“I like the sound of that,” said Andy. “If we’re celebrating, we should grab a drink, toast to the bureau’s good work, by some of our best agents.”

“And I’d say that sounds like a marvelous plan!” Said Shannon. “Jess, if you could tidy up the conference room and file that tip? We’ll be at Lockett’s, over on 16th. Come grab a beer with us.”

Andy took the chance to dash out of the room, towards the promised end of day freedom. Shannon moved a touch slower, collecting her things, but clearly in a good mood. Poor Agent Jess Aleman sat confused, her notes abandoned, wondering what the hell had just happened.

“Try not to dwell on it, agent,” said Shannon. “We’re just used to it by now. If it makes you feel better, put together a report of everything you told us here, anything you found. Ask Beth to show you where it needs to go, she’ll know.” 

Agent Noonan left Jess with more questions than answers, but she followed instructions. Beth did know where to leave the report. There was an entire file cabinet filled with files, cases, tips, and notes on the Winchester brothers, apparently being ignored.

Agent Aleman added her notes to the rest and tried not the think about it too hard. 

Maybe a drink was a good idea after all.

**Author's Note:**

> The original prompt from years ago on tumblr:  
> Maybe the FBI knows that Sam and Dean are impersonating them all over the country, but they are just letting them run around cleaning up all these unsolvable murders and weird shit because it's bringing the FBI a good name. "Hey, it looks like those two psychopaths caught the blood-sucking murderer. Let's ask for a raise and grab a drink to celebrate."


End file.
